Romeo and Juliet: The Cheap Version
by beatlesxlove
Summary: WARNING: Read at your own risk. This is a parody of Romeo and Juliet. It contains some strong language and overall craziness. Read and review, por favor!
1. Act I, Scenes 1 and 2

Romeo and Juliet: The Cheap Version.

Verona, Italy

Act I, Scene I

Capulets: We hate Montagues.

Montagues: Well, we hate you guys too.

Capulets: OH NO YOU DIDN'T!

Montagues: OH YES WE DID!

CAPULETS: OH IT'S ON, BITCHES!

*They fight*

Benvolio: Dude, like WTF? Silence the violence, increase the peace!

Tybalt: NO! DIE, BITCH!

Lord Capulet: Oh, look! It's a fight! Yo bitch, get me my sword!

Lady Capulet: *facepalms herself* Oh God…here we go again.

Lord Montague: *has same reaction as Capulet*

Lady Capulet: Don't you dare! *bitch-slaps her husband*

All: Le gasp!

*Prince Escalus enters*

Prince: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HERE?

Snape: You can't steal my line! That's absurd!

Prince: GTFO and go wash your hair, you overgrown bat!

Benvolio: BUUUURN! Gimme some fin! *high-5s Prince* Noggin! *They bump heads*

Benvolio and Prince: Duuude.

Prince: Anyhoodle, if I catch y'all fighting again, YOU DIE.

Capulet and Montague: FUUUUCK.

* * *

Montague: Hey Benny, where's Romeo?

Benvolio: Don't call me that.

Montague: I'LL CALL YOU WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT! I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE!

Benvolio: Then why did I find several dresses and wigs in your closet?

Montague: Um…Mercutio left them here when he was hanging with Romeo.

Benvolio: Riiiight.

Montague: Well, he does like to dress in drag.

Benvolio: True dat.

Montague: So where's Romeo?

Benvolio: Are you that deaf that you can't hear the screamo music coming from his windows?

Montague: Dude, it's the 1500s. Stereos and screamo hasn't even been invented yet.

Benvolio: Oh yeah…well, he's pretty angsty.

Montague: Fuck.

* * *

Benvolio: *barges into Romeo's room*

Romeo: *hitting head against wall* Angst. Angst. Angst.

Benvolio: Hey, Ro, what's up?

Romeo: *Still hitting head against wall* Angst. Angst. Angst.

Benvolio: …You okay?

Romeo: *bursts into tears* S-S-SHE HAAAATES ME! AND I LOVE HER!

Benvolio: Oh Jesus…what girl is it this time?

Romeo: R-Rosaline.

Benvolio: Rosaline…dude, I thought you'd gotten over your crush after she bitch-slapped you for trying to get in her pants.

Romeo: No…'cause she just wants to be a stupid _virgin_ for the rest of her life. Like Madonna.

Benvolio: Hate to break it to ya, sweetheart, but Madonna wasn't a virgin.

Romeo: *tears start filling his eyes again*

Benvolio: Oh, shit… You know what? Let's put on some nice, happy music! Like the Beatles. *presses shuffle on Romeo's iPod*

Beatles: And I love her…

Benvolio: …or not. *presses shuffle again*

Whitney Houston: AND IIIIIIIIIIII-EEEEE-IIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOU!

Benvolio: *frantically presses shuffle*

Stevie Wonder: Isn't she lovely! Isn't she wonderful…

Romeo: I thought this song was about a baby.

Benvolio: It is.

Romeo: *starts sniffling* Babies…Rosaline and I would've had pretty babies together…

Benvolio: *facepalms self* Craptastic.

Romeo: *crying hysterically*

Benvolio: Hey Romeo, you know what? I got some Ben & Jerry's just for you!

Romeo: OMG WHAT FLAVOR?

Benvolio: Feeling Sorry For Myself Strawberry Swirl.

* * *

Act I, Scene 2

Capulet: Yo, Paris, make my daughter want to have your babies.

Paris: Can't I just marry her now? Then we can make babies sooner.

Capulet: HOW DARE YOU TRY TO DE-FLOWER MY DAUGHTER! SHE'S ONLY THIRTEEN FRAGGIN' YEARS OLD!

Paris: But but but…there are fuckin' twelve-year-olds that are married!

Capulets: They're sluts.

Paris: And your daughter won't be?

Capulet: DID YOU JUST CALL MY DAUGHTER A SLUT?

Paris: Shitfuck.


	2. Act I, Scenes 3 and 4

Act I, Scene 3

Lady Capulet: Yo! Nurse! Go find my daughter!

Nurse: Do I have to?

Lady Capulet: Bitch, I will cut you. Go find my daughter or you die!

Nurse: Yes, ma'am! *scurries away*

_**Five minutes later…**_

Juliet: Jesus, Mom, I was busy! What do _you _want?

Lady Capulet: Shut the hell up. We need to talk.

Juliet: About what?

Lady Capulet: Marriage.

Juliet: …the fuck? Mom, I'm too young to marry.

Lady: Bitch, you're like fourteen. I was married at twelve.

Nurse: *under her breath* And now you're a nutcase. And a slut.

Lady Capulet: EXSQUEEZE ME? WOULD YOU LIKE TO REPEAT THAT?

Nurse: *cowers*

Lady Capulet: Anyhoodle, Julia-

Juliet: It's Juliet.

Lady Capulet: Whatevs. But now that you're fourteen, I think it's time for you to get hitched!

Nurse: She's not fourteen yet.

Lady Capulet: Yes she is!

Nurse: No she's not!

Lady Capulet: Yes she is!

Nurse: No she's not!

Lady Capulet: YES SHE IS!

Nurse: NO SHE'S NOT!

Lady Capulet: YES SHE IS!

Nurse: NO SHE'S NOT!

Lady Capulet: FUCK YOU, NURSE! I THINK I WOULD KNOW THE AGE OF MY OWN DAUGHTER!

Juliet: ENOUGH! Mom, you're a dumbass. I AM thirteen.

Lady Capulet: QUIET, YOU WHORE! I AM HAVING A CONVERSATION!

Juliet: *facepalms self* Jesus Christ…

Father Lawrence: BITCH, DON'T TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN!

Juliet: GTFO, you creep! How the hell did you even get in here?

Father Lawrence: Um…I was invited to the party.

Juliet: Party?

Father Lawrence: Wow, and you said your mother's a dumbass? It's time for the annual Big Ass Capulet House Party. How did you not know that?

Juliet: SHITFUCK! Well, I guess it's time to slap on my cat suit and whore makeup. See you at the party.

* * *

Act 1, Scene 4

Mercutio: WOOOOOOOT! IT'S PARTY TIME!

Benvolio: Shut the fuck up, you idiot! Do you want us to get caught?

Mercutio: Lighten up, Benny! What's got your panties in a wad?

Benvolio: If _you_ were stuck with that hot mess all day, you would be acting like this, too. *points to Romeo, who is still crying excessively*

Romeo: WHHHHHY? WHY, ROSALINE? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO REJECT ME?

Mercutio: Holy shit, dude. Is there a hose connected to your eyes? Here, take this bucket.

Romeo: Thanks. *starts crying again* ROSALINEEEEEEEE!

Benvolio: I need some Tylenol.

Mercutio: I can get him to shut up!

Benvolio: Should I be scared?

Mercutio: Nah, don't worry. *George Lopez swag* I GOT THIS! Yo, Romeo!

Romeo: Y-yeah?

Mercutio: Guess who's gonna be at the party tonight? Rosaline!

Romeo: WAAAAAAAH!

Mercutio: Shitfuck.

Benvolio: *slaps him* YOU DUMBASS!

Charlie Sheen: Dude. Totally not Winning.

Mercutio: Fuck you! Besides, I have a backup plan!

Benvolio: Dammit.

Mercutio: *pulls out pills* Romeo! See this? This will make everything better.

Benvolio: Oh, Jesus Christ, do _not _give him LSD again!

Mr. Mackey: Drugs are bad, mkay!

Mercutio: SHUT UP, MR. MACKEY! NOBODY FUCKING CARES! Romeo! Oh Romeo! Look at the pretty pills!

Benvolio: Mercutio, don't you dare!

Mercutio: Why not? Gonna try and stop me?

Benvolio: If you try anything, I will take all your skirts, dresses, and wigs, and burn them. And I will happily toast marshmallows over the fire!

Mercutio: B-b-but…even my Pussy Galore outfit?

Benvolio: Yep. Plus your Cleopatra one, too.

Mercutio: Dammit!

Benvolio: Good boy. Would you like a cookie or a sticker?

Mercutio: Actually, a cookie sounds really good… YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW THIS! *marches over to Romeo and forces pill into his mouth*

Benvolio: *bitch-slaps Mercutio* I. AM. GOING. TO. FUCKING. KILL. YOU. Do you remember what happened last time you gave this shit to him?

Mercutio: Um, not really. Why?

Benvolio: He ended up NAKED on the ROOF!

Mercutio: Was that when he was singing all the Lloyd-Webber songs?

Romeo: *on the Capulet roof, completely naked* MEMMMMMMORYYYYY, ALL ALONE IN THE MOONLIGHTTTTT…

Benvolio and Mercutio: DAMMIT!

**Author's Note: **

**I apologize for the long wait! I had to get through finals, and not long after, my favorite teacher died, so it's been rough. Hope you liked the chapter! Review, please!**


	3. Act I, Scene 5

**Author's Note: This chapter is crazy. You have been warned.**

**And since I'm pretty sure I forgot to do this, I do not own Romeo and Juliet. All rights go to Shakespeare. AVPS belongs to Darren Criss. **

**Reviews would be lovely!**

Act 1, Scene 5

Benvolio: Well, now that we've gotten Romeo off of the roof and put his clothes back on…

Mercutio: PARTY TIME! WOOOOO! CAPULET HOUSE PARTY 1495!

Benvolio: Shut up! We're gonna get caught!

Mercutio: Aw, hell no! I brought disguises!

Benvolio: *facepalms self* Fuck.

Mercutio: *holds up outfits* See? These are awesome disguises!

Benvolio: OH, NO. I AM NOT FUCKING DRESSING IN DRAG!

Mercutio: B-b-but…Benny! You could totally rock the Madonna look! I brought the cone-shaped bra!

Benvolio: Is that even comfortable?

Mercutio: It's quite nice. There's extra padding on the inside and it's as soft as a baby's ass!

Benvolio: Can I try it on? *starts to grab bra* Wait…DAMMIT, MERCUTIO, I AM NOT DOING THIS!

Mercutio: Fine. Hey, Romeo, you want to be Madonna tonight? Mr. Grumpy Care Bear over here doesn't know good fashion when he sees it! Um…Romeo?

Crickets: *chirp*

Mercutio: Romeo? Dude, where'd you go?

Crickets: *still chirping*

Mercutio: Yo, Benny, I think we lost Romeo…

Benvolio: SHITFUCK! YOU COCKSUCKER!

Mercutio: Dude, that's not an insult. I'm gay.

Benvolio: YOU FUCKING IDI- Wait, what? You're gay?

Mercutio: Wow, you have shitty gaydar.

Benvolio: SCORE! UNCLE MONTY OWES ME FIFTY BUCKS!

Mercutio: YOU BET ON ME? *bitchslaps Benvolio*

Benvolio: Oh, it's on. IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!

Mercutio: OMG, I love that game!

Hey Girl Belle: IT'S MY FAVORITE!

Mercutio: You too? Q url, you're kick-ass! Hey, what was I doing? Oh yeah. DIE, BENNY!

_**HOLY CRAP GUYS THEY'RE FIGHTING**_

Benvolio: Jesus, dude, you have a mean fist.

Mercutio: *groans* I think you took out one of my boys…

Benvolio: So, why were we fighting again?

Mercutio: I think it had something to do with Romeo…

Benvolio and Mercutio: OH, SHIT! ROMEO!

* * *

_**MEANWHILE IN THE CAPULET MANSION**_

Romeo: OH WELL I NEVER WAS THERE EVER A CAT SO CLEVER AS MAGICAL MISTER MISTOFFELEEEEEEEEEES!

Random Partygoer: You okay, man?

Romeo: DON'T CRY FOR ME, ARGENTINAAAA! THE TRUTH IS I NEVER LEFT YOOOOU!

Random Partygoer: …yeah, I'm gonna go do some more shots with Homie Capulet.

Romeo: *frollicks merrily throughout Capulet house*

Lord Capulet: What the fuck are you doing in my bedroom?

Romeo: AHHH! CAPULET! *runs out of room*

Lord Capulet: Who the hell _was_ that?

Tybalt: *comes out of nowhere* My Montague senses are tingling. MUST. KILL. MONTAGUE.

Lord Capulet: Now, now, Tybalt, be nice…

Tybalt: MUST. KILL. MONTAGUE.

Lord Capulet: Tybalt…

Tybalt: MUST. KILL. MONTAGUE. Yo, servant, get yo' ass over here and bring me my rapier!

Lord Montague: TYBALT! IF YOU KILL THE MONTAGUE, I'M GONNA FUCKING DIE!

Tybalt: So?

Lord Capulet: So you'll have to live on the streets and become a prostitute.

Tybalt: Wait…I'd get paid for having sex with people?

Lord Capulet: Yeah, pretty much.

Tybalt: Awesome! *runs off to find Romeo*

Lord Capulet: I-YOU-AGHHH! TYBALT!

* * *

Romeo: *runs into bathroom* I think I need to lie down. *splashes face with water* JESUS CHRIST, I LOOK LIKE SHIT! Mercutio gave me LSD again, didn't he? I'm going to fucking kill him. I need to get out of here.

Juliet: *walks down hallway*

Romeo: Ben? Mercutio? Where are yo- *sees fish tank* Hehehe…pretty fishies.

Juliet: Hey, fish. *notices Romeo* OMFG IT'S A HAWT DUDE.

Romeo: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimmi- OMFG IT'S A HAWT BABE.

Romeo: Favorite Amy Mann song on three. 1, 2, 3-

Romeo and Juliet: Redvines.

Romeo: Favorite color of vines other than green.

Romeo and Juliet: Redvines.

Romeo: Favorite way to say red wines in a German accent.

Romeo and Juliet: Redvines….OH MY GOD, WE'RE SOULMATES!

Juliet: Kiss me, bitch!

_**THEY HAVE AN INTENSE MAKEOUT SESSION AND GRIND ON THE FLOOR.**_

Romeo: I love you so fucking much.

Juliet: I'm Juliet.

Romeo: I'm Romeo.

Juliet: Wanna make out some more?

Romeo: Hell yes!

Nurse: Yo, Juliet! Get your ass over here, your mother needs you! *sees R&J making out* Dayum! When the hell did Juliet learn how to do that with her tongue? And that boy is fiiiiine! OMFG HE'S A MONTAGUE!

Juliet: Dammit, Nurse, GTF- *realizes Nurse saw them* shiiiit, please don't tell my parents about this!

Nurse: Yes, suh!

Juliet: I AM NOT A MAN! Peace, Romeo.

Romeo: Peace out, squirrel scout! *watches Juliet leave*

Benvolio: Romeo! MERCUTIO, I FOUND HIM!

Mercutio: Thank God. Benny, I swear, if you ever give him LSD again…

Benvolio: You fucking asshole, you're the one who gave it to him!

Mercutio: Oh really? You wanna fight?

Benvolio: Bring on round two! *puts on boxing gloves*

Romeo: Oh, Christ…

**Another Note: The "Hey Girl Belle" is a reference to a YouTube video that's a parody of Beauty and the Beast. The video is hilarious, but view at your own risk.**

** watch?v=pcuI6K9daIw**


End file.
